So here we find ourselves again.

Unless you live under a rock you have heard that Fifty Shades author EL James announced Monday that a version written from Christian’s point of view will be hitting the shelves. Titled Grey, will be published on June 18, just before Father’s Day > how adorable.

“This book is dedicated to those readers who asked…and asked… and asked… and asked for this,” the author speaking out on social media. Ha! Are you serious? Who are these fans? And let me get this right, the author is a woman and I am to believe that this is a correct relaying of his views. Good luck El.

I am obviously not one of these fans yearning for the hidden thoughts of Grey’s point of view. You know what I do want? What I want is to read a book from the point of Christian Grey about 8 years into marrying Anastasia after she has popped out 3 or 4 kiddos. Now THAT would be a page turner!

I’d like to read about how he feels about the Property Brothers on HGTV  or Bobby Flay’s latest grill show on the Food Network.

How will he feel when Anastasia’s OB says no nookie for 6 weeks after each of those three or four kids?

How will the infamous Red Room look after Anastasia discovers Pinterest and all its taunting DIY boards?

Will his FB picture be of his mug or his kids or better yet, a family photo with all members in matching spring colors as they gaze into the sunlight which no doubtingly took 30 minutes to set up amongst the meltdowns of his children and his sex kitten wife.

We he be sporting the ever trending Dad-Bod like Leonardo? Will he be able to accept his round tummy, a result of years of first birthday cakes, cookies left for Santa, left over mac n’ cheese and take out on a long ass hot day at the zoo? Will he like it when Anastasia rubs it like a bingo lady rubs one of those 90’s troll dolls for luck?

Will he be okay with turning his fast cars in for a minivan and a bike with a trailer?

How does he feel about granny panties and dry shampoo?

Does he have a black book of good baby sitters or will he have the same crap-shooting luck at finding someone reliable to cover a Saturday night at the last minute?

Will he start doing the dishes in order to get a piece of ass from Anastasia or will he repay with the silent treatment?

Will he be okay with coming home late from work one day to find his kids playing with his whips and chains because it was raining all day and all play-thing-resources had been exhausted?

How does he feel about spit-up and breast milk on his silk sheets? What about grape colored puke from a five-year-old?

Will he wear suit pants or cargos to go down the slide at the local park?

Mr. Grey do you play hide and seek? Do you like walking on Legos?

Will Christian remember to pick up his dirty socks next to the bed or will he ruin Anastasia’s 32nd birthday by leaving them for her AND forgetting to take out the dog??

Tell me Mr. Grey, do you believe breastfeeding in public to be disgusting or an act of nature. (Beware, your answer could get you stoned by a whole Facebook Meetup group of Moms that are sporting yoga pants as they carry a Starbucks recyclable cup in their hand.)

RUN CHRISTIAN! RUN! DON’T TELL YOUR STORY! YOUR POINT OF VIEW WILL BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT!!!! RUN, MR. GREY!

(*If you missed out on the sexiness of Mr. Grey the first time around on The Funny In Mommy click here please.)

 

Classy wedding shot of me and my Christian Grey.