I Promise I am NOT a Helicopter Mom (but …)

I promise I am not a helicopter mom.

Hitting the park on a daily basis for a dose of vitamin D and to keep my mind sane from all the hormones that are maturing in my household keeps my body in constant motion. I wish my kids would leave me alone at the park, but no matter the venue, I am THAT helicopter mom. Not because I want to be but because my kids choose to say “Fuck you” to the sign that says 5 to 12 years old. They want to play big and climb large. They want to zip line not swing. They want to run down slides and jump off the side. They want to basically rip apart the playground set.

I promise I am not a helicopter mom but …

I do promise that your little boy that keeps approaching my middle son will get his blocked knock off by my little meathead man. He shared a womb for 9 months with his twin sister. The effect of sharing such tight quarters has caused him to not be very fond of sharing. I stand in close proximity, not in fear of what your son will do to mine, but what pain my son will cause to yours if his toy is touched.

I promise I am not a helicopter mom but …

My eldest is sort of a weirdo. He’s in this stage of just randomly falling off high structures and then rolling around in mulch as he yells “AHHH!!! Whoa- Whoa!!” So, you see, even though I am not a helicopter mom I need to be in sight to bare my teeth and through a clenched smile whisper “Stop it!!” without moving my lips so he understands that his display of weirdo is not acceptable in public.

I promise I am not a helicopter mom but …

My littlest minion has looks that deceive. Tiny with big blue eyes she fools the cleverest of children and adults. Her nickname is Tonya Harding so that should give you some insight. I’ve seen her move faster than the speed of light with more force than Sasquatch as she clotheslines one of her brothers. I need to remain in close proximity to prevent any type of open wound.

I promise I am not a helicopter mom but …

Though I trust the local librarians completely, I do not trust my twins. They have tactics that would put ninjas to shame as they are capable of taking out whole shelves of library books and children’s DVDs in one swoop. So, yes I would like to sit idly by reading the newest best seller but I can’t allow my sweet twosome to possibly waste their college funds on replacing a rack of used DVDs or  a shelving unit of dog-eared picture books. (And possibly taking the librarian out in the process).

I promise I am not a helicopter mom but …

I just don’t want to pay your hospital bill or have a situation where lawyers will be involved.

I promise I am not a helicopter mom, I’m just a Halperin mom.

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