The thing about breaking up with an unhealthy fixation, is there’s the chance of going back. There’s the chance of falling off the wagon.

I had a piece of ice cream pie and fell of the wagon.

Like a drug addict I gave into a feeling that had beaten me down so many times before.

I didn’t fall from the wagon from the action of eating the pie but from the feelings that overcame me from eating the pie. I cheated on myself and gave in to the call of a past lover and lethal fixation.

The pie tasted awesome and was enjoyed on an afternoon date with my husband in an old school ice cream shop while we took a walk in the sunshine after a morning full of storms. Though the entire mood and environment surrounding the actually eating of the pie was pleasant by 3 pm I was feeling the suffocating thoughts that I have known all to well in my past.

I fell off the wagon … hard.

As I laid in bed that night I felt as if I had swallowed a balloon full of toxins that weren’t filling my body but rather my mind. I felt a sense of shame and anxiety for eating the pie. It was clouding my perception of everything. I went to bed and woke up thinking about that pie, thinking I was disgusting for eating it.

I fell off the wagon and opened the door to negative self talk (and I shamefully admit that I even went as far as calorie counting the bites taken that day).

It wasn’t the pie that was eating me alive it was the negative feelings I associated with eating the pie.  I needed to recollect myself and my thoughts. I needed to catch a ride back onto my wagon.

I recently celebrated a year after starting a whole30 lifestyle one free of calorie counting and negative self talk. Eating clean and really enjoying food for the first time has changed not only my menus but also my moods and energy levels. No more restricting feelings associated with eating out or in front of others. I was able to enjoy fancy meals and the occasional ice cream scoop with my kiddos without even a second thought. I have been feeling amazing physically and mentally but …

I fell off the wagon.

After the a visit from a large bunny who handed out Paleo cupcakes and chocolate covered almonds I began looking over the edge of my wagon. For the last week I haven’t been sleeping well with my moods taking ups and downs like a roller coaster. Finally, falling completely off the wagon I found myself in a spiral of a dark cloud. But this time was different, this time I was able to stop the rain. I was able to supply my own umbrella. This time I was able to catch sight of my wagon. This time I was able to stop the obsession before it ran out of control. This time I had a bag of tools and the confidence to use them.

I fell off the wagon BUT this time I got back on. Unlike before, I was able to stop the negative talk and self abuse.  It was okay that I ate a piece of pie, I wasn’t going to die. I wasn’t lesser of a woman, mommy or wife, in fact I was better because I was able to acknowledge what I was doing before I allowed myself to deem myself lesser. I was able to break the cycle.

As I said before, the answer isn’t found overnight, the habits aren’t broken in one day. The fight is never over. But this time I won. This time I fell but I didn’t break, rather I broke the cycle and jumped back on my wagon.