I’m the new JT, Bringing Sexy (time) Back


In Sex? I Ain’t Got Time For That, I promised findings, tips and Aha! thoughts about moving sexy time from somewhere on the bottom of the “Honey-Do List” to the top of the “Honey-Do-Me List”.  As you may have guessed the amount of information on the subject of sex in marriage is astounding. So, readers, I give you the first two topics (you are welcome) of this black hole of data, facts and opinion:

Stability vs. Mysterious: When young and free to distribute our resources wherever we want, we tend to focus on our wants and nothing is farther from a want than lust. We lust after a partner, one who is usually mysterious. It’s exciting to discover and explore the inner workings of another’s mind and outer workings of their body. Thrills are what the young desire.

As we began to ripen with age, looking more in the direction of marriage, mystery is what we avoid. No one wants to commit to someone they feel they do not know. No one wants to vow to another who is unpredictable. No one is looking for exploration of the unknown but rather for stability. We want a stable partner. We want to build a relationship on a solid and supportive foundation. Without a stable foundation a relationship is sure to crumble. So the reckless young-ins’ start buying life insurance, purchasing matching furniture and analyzing school districts. We share everything with “the one”, from childhood stories to days without makeup to dirty boxers on the ground to tag teaming the toilet when the stomach bug has hit your home. You become safe and you become stable.

But what happens when stability becomes a little too much familiarity? When all the mystery begins to disappear and your husband farts in bed which seems to then be trapped under the covers leaving little desire for sexy time. Or you find yourself talking about what’s for dinner as you pee with the bathroom door open and your spouse leans against the vanity without blinking an eye as you finish, pull up your panties and flush the toilet. I knew we had crossed that line when my better half watched me pluck my eyebrows and then asked me if I would have a uni-brow if I didn’t “keep them in check.” Something about him imagining my resemblance to a Muppets character made me stop this grooming habit with him in the room.

When your husband is no longer the secret agent man and you are more likely to go topless to nurse your baby than seduce your husband it’s probably time to add a little ambiguity to your daily conversation and actions.  Whether that means as a man you keep your belches to yourself for 24 hours or as a woman you wear his favorite “night ensemble” to bed rather than just your granny panties. The best way to add some mystery back in, is by thinking back to those days of thrills and obscurity. What didn’t or did you do to impress your lover? What didn’t or did you say to add some thrill? Take a trip in your mental time machine and bring some of that unknown back to the interactions within your marriage.

Redistribution of Resources: Adulthood, marriage and children cause a shift in priorities, interests and who we are as individuals. Our bodies, friends, hobbies, lifestyles, finances, work schedules and relationships change. These changes cause a redistribution of “resources.” Our focus moves from our “self” and our love interest to other areas that become of importance. This reallocation results in less time, less freedom, more responsibility, less money, more material wants, less sleep, more power, less privacy, more rules, less communication, more public persona, less intimacy.

With all this less, the time and effort that a couple once devoted to one another and the infatuation with their relationship becomes a thing of the past by accident. I can relate with remembering that prior to children and mortgages we would spend over a hundred dollars 2 to 3 times a week on dining and wine-ing out on the town. Prior to being “safe and stable” we spent full weekends being careless on the couch or in bed with just us and whatever actors filled the television screen. Now those type of indulgences seem wasteful and irresponsible, now we have grocery budgets and work to be done during “off work” hours and not to mention three other small humans to entertain, feed and care for.

From what I have read and from what I have experienced, scheduling is key in devoting time and resources BACK to your partner as a lover. Each month we sit down with an actual tangible calendar and figure out date nights which we then solidify by setting it up with our babysitter while making reservations in advance. This past year we planned a trip away together just husband and wife. We made the reservations, paid for the trip in advance and lined grandma up to watch the three gremlins. Having time to focus on one another is an instant gate way to the opportunity of sexy time. It reminds you that this person standing by your side is not just your best friend but also your lover.

With all the responsibilities we take on as adults and as parents, finding time to devote to your marriage in the mundane of life is also crucial.  Often we are so bogged down with responsibilities outside of our marriage that we forget all the dumb things we would do together rather than alone. With kiddos I find myself running errands or “getting things done” with them while Daddy is at work or without anyone while Daddy is home to watch them. When we first moved in together we did all the mundane things of life together. I now appreciate the time we spend, sans children, at the grocery store or Target or catching up on Celebrity Apprentice, E even dropped in on my yoga class one evening to spend time with me. Just be sure that when you are spending these mundane moments together that you are fully present. Put the Smartphone down and close the lap top, don’t just be a body next to your honey – be there body AND mind.

With all that I have found and want to share, through practicing my own mysterious persona (and teasing readers in the process), I am leaving the next “Sexy Back” findings for a future installment titled “Convincing Mommy to Leave Maternal Nature for Sexual Nature”. Until then, think upon where your resources are being allocated as well as practicing some mystery instead of just stability!

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