In a Phase of Powerless

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In the days of having children everything is a phase. The infant phase. The night feeding phase. Sleep training phase. Potty training phase. No nap phase. No sex phase. No sleep phase. No peace and quiet phase. No time for you phase. The preschool phase. The learning how to tie your shoes phase. And so on.

Being the mother of two toddlers and a 4 year-old going, I am in a phase of powerless. A sense of powerless in an environment that I have so little control over. Being a self-proclaimed control freak, being in a place of little control is not one I find comfortable. This being said, I live my everyday in discomfort because…

I’m not in control of my children’s feelings or their reactions. I’m not in control of their wants and needs. I’m not in control of when they rise from sleep or even what they want to eat. A house basically running on raw emotion leaves little room for any type of control, rather just a time for survival.

My younger self would have chosen an unhealthy form of escape quite often in the form of a cigarette or eating too little while running too much. Now as a mommy these options are selfish. I am now left powerless while blindly learning to deal with a lack of control as a grown-up in charge of little lives. I have less than 10 seconds to pick myself up and lick my wounds if I’m having a bad day, because after all, little eyes “made of sponges” are watching me, are mimicking me, are learning from me.

Though often not being fully in control of every day situations and powerless over the feelings that run untamed through the bodies, hearts and minds of my children I am in control of how I react to this phase of powerless. Finding power in the knowledge that this world dictated by the needs, wants and raw unfiltered emotions of little ones is just another phase.  I will try my best to not yell. I will give myself a break. I will give my children a break. I will do my best to avoid my control freak tendencies and embrace the chaos that is my life. I will hug and kiss my babies more. I will laugh more while stepping over the messes of my “powerless” days. I will embrace this phase as it too will come to an end. 

One day my schedule will be free and my little ones will come to be too cool to actually “need me.” For now I will hold on, white knuckled, as this chaotic GPS of life takes me for an out of control ride to the next phase of life.

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