Gone Girl  hit DVD last week and 50 Shades of Grey will be hitting theaters this weekend. With the way marriage is portrayed in the movies and media there is no way I would be looking to get hitched if I were single.

Wives killing husbands. Husbands cheating on wives.  Women turning into boring, yoga pant wearing nags. Men turning into sports obsessed mutes that commit infidelity with anything that moves. Marriage leading to a doomed future of a lack luster eternity.

How are we, the married ones of the world, supposed to internalize all this? Are we meant to turn into these creatures of habit or are we failing at having an exciting marital sex life because we have 64 crayola crayons and not 50 shades of Grey? Or a play room inhibits our extra living space rather than a Red Room adorned with whips and chains?

Give me a break.

Could you imagine having a room off limits to your spawns of life? Speaking for my small clan, they would pick the lock within 30 seconds and be running around the house sporting leather hand cuffs and silk blindfolds like a small army of pirates that raided a ship of bondage.

It’s easy to find sex, money and power attractive. This trio speaks to the animal instinct in us all.  However, the true test of a relationship and how far happiness will go with a lover is not the number of times you have sex per week but rather in the ability to be bored with someone and be okay with that. Let me clarify, you don’t find that person boring but are able to partake in the boring of life together. The life where there isn’t beauty, there aren’t any whips and chains, the bank account is empty and skin is sagging in places that used to be described as perky. When you have children, the nights of folding laundry and watching recordings on the DVR out number the wild nights of boozing and having sex in strange places. Minivans begin to take the place of fast cars. 529s are more important than diamonds and racy panties. Nurseries and play rooms begin to fill the square footage that the Christian Greys of the world would have as their Red Rooms.

The secret is boring IS sexy. Getting excited over a new recipe or restaurant. Cuddling up to watch the premier of the series finale of Parenthood or your favorite award show. Trying one another’s hobbies while laughing. Paying attention to one another’s passion whether a football team, author, fashion line or the latest technology. Sexy is folding laundry. Sexy is giving baths and cooking up mac n’ cheese. Dark and handsome is in the mundane. Passion is in caring for babies in the middle of the night. Foreplay is in the understanding in all the boring and tough stuff in our daily lives. Nurturing and caring wins over dramatic and bitchy. True lust and love is more about having respect and appreciation for the one who stands by our side, not all the excess that can be wrapped in a package or tied to a bed post.

For lovers turned parents, boring IS the new sexy. Marriage without the Red Room is where it gets raw and dirty, where lovers get stripped bare of all the bells and whistles reveling to one another their true selves and hearts. At the end of the day if you can relish in boredom with the one you love, then you’ve found the right lover no matter their handcuff size or fetish.