I just read an article on why being a twin mom is fabulous. They should have started and ended with this sentence or better yet the one that finished the first paragraph: we do kind of want you to recognize that having twins is no walk in the park — ABSO-FREAKIN-LUTELY 

Rather, what followed this initial paragraph basically gave me the grade of an F at being a fabulous twin mom. So Maybe I should have read the article about being a loser twin mom??

Here’s where I’ve failed:

Matching and coordinating: My poor deprived little ones. In their two years of life I can count the number of times they have matched or coordinated on one hand (even if that hand was missing a pinky and thumb). THREE times, the day they came home from the hospital, 8 days later wearing matching New Year’s Eve onesies and once while 9 months old when Target had a pink and a blue sweater on clearance. They have more of a chance coordinating with me than one another.

We don’t judge: The hell I don’t. You bet your ass that if I’m in public with my three and you are with ONE child that is acting up and mine are behaving, you better believe I’m saying in my head “Get your shit together woman and take that kid out to the car!!!” Or when my three ARE misbehaving and you have one sweetly sitting in your lap or grocery cart wide-eyed and quiet and YOU give me a smug smirk, I’m only speeding down the aisle in order to not smack that look off your face and scream “JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU POP ANOTHER OUT!”

Celebrity status: I’ll be the first to say that twins are a blessing and superstars HOWEVER that does not mean you bombard my little minions with touching their hands, heads, backs, toes or whatever you think is appropriate exclaiming, “Twins!! My neighbor’s cousin’s mail man has a mother-in-law that knows a twin!” BACK OFF I will cut a bitch! Do not touch my children! Plus, do you NOT realize that I have only so much time with two ticking time-bombs ready to blow at any moment in public?? By speaking to me about the fact that my children are twins and look nothing alike (thank you for pointing that out) you are depleting me of precious minutes that I need in order to get errands done without a meltdown.

Sharing is caring: My twins do not share with one another. They share with other kids but not one another. It’s the survival of the fittest. Who ever happens to be stronger, taller, faster or louder at that point in time wins the object of desire.  When we were pregnant we thought “Great we have everything after our first baby,” how wrong we were. In fact, only having one of something in the world of twins means two small emotional human beings are going to want that one thing and to them it will be the end of the world … and yours if you don’t figure out how to make it morph into two.

More time at Target: I hate going to Target with my twins. It’s basically hell on earth as I try to get what is on my list, keep the two from ripping one another apart or eating everything that I have placed in the cart.  What really almost made me fall over from shock is when the author of the article said they LIKED the monstrous shopping carts they offer moms of multiple children!! Has this person ever really used one??? You need a forklift certification to operate one.

We view milestones as estimations. Um, try again. To me two times the kiddos means two times the worrying and more in your face comparing. PLUS I have to fill out TWO milestone questionnaires at every pediatric well visit. By the middle of the second form I have gone from seeing straight to a migraine as the doctor begins asking me milestone questions that I must remember about both.

All in all, out of the ten highlights I only hit 3.5 leaving me with an F as a twin mommy. Oh woe is me. But I still give my twins an A-freaking-plus in good looks, smarts, sense of humor, love and bad ass attitudes. I will sacrifice my reputation in order for theirs to prosper 😉