Facebook Fronts.

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The many faces of Facebook. We see them each and every day. Filling our feed with their posts and pictures. Reality and perception become blurred in the world of Facebook. Where do you fall in the line up of misfits? What are you guilty of feeding through the scrolls of virtual updates?

The familiar cast of characters:

The Perfect Polly who is making every craft on Pinterest, running every marathon all while she is creating her own fashion line and writing a memoir on her “trials and tribulations”  that she will self-publish. This little lady is my worst enemy because I long to be her. I drool over her posts and stalk her picture albums trying to figure out her secret to how she does it all with such ease and class.

The Merry Martha, she is always happy and so are her kids. Every picture she posts is of big fat toothy smiles that take up the entire pixel of the feed. All posts seem to be about how she is “blessed” or “cannot imagine her life without her special family.” Give me a freaking break, I love my life and my kids but I also know that they irritate me beyond what words can describe and they have stinky, disgusting diapers and I’ve caught them eating boogers right before screaming at me that they don’t understand “why they have to clean so much.”

Debbie Downer. Yikes, pictures of the latest funeral she went to or how her cat is in the ER with cancer. Or I really like the ladies who post pictures of their kiddos wounds after falling off a playground set or they just puked for 12 hours straight. Um, what is going on. There should be a filter for posts that make you want to cry into your pillow or make you feel the strong need to watch YouTube videos of puppies in order to clear your mind of the dark cloud they caused.

Beautiful Barbara. Here she is in a bikini. Here she is in the latest skinny jeans. Here she is with hair perfectly set and eyes twinkling in the sunlight. Here is her 3,895th selfie of her perfect skin and long luscious eyelashes. Here is me with unwashed hair and no makeup scrolling through her profile pictures looking for at least one that doesn’t resemble a Covergirl ad.

Party Pamela. Drinking again?? Two parties in one day? Stayed up 48 hours on caffeine pills and wine. Drinking again (at the Pre-K soccer game). Out for girls night … Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. Always at a party, gala, university game, last minute get together. By the time I’m finished with her posts I feel like Hannah Hermit and sit in my pity as I think back to the only times I’ve left the house this week were for school, groceries, story times and coffee. Then I remind myself that Hannah Hermit doesn’t have a hangover at 5:30 am when her kids wake her up.

Negative Nancy. Always has a case of the “Mondays.” Always hits every red light and posts about it while she’s waiting it out. Hits every train. It seems to always be raining or snowing or sleeting or too cold or too hot or too windy wherever she may be. Doesn’t seem to like anyone or anything. Has a break up every Saturday which leads to a Sunday full of posts about never finding love.

TMI Tammy. She’s been on the toilet for the last 24 hours with the flu. She just got over the worst yeast infection. She thinks the last of the stitches from having her latest child have finally healed down under. Her kids have been throwing up for the last 8 hours and here is a picture of the bucket that they filled. I’ve come to “hide” these ladies from my feed in order to escape the madness and the stomach turning posts they make me read.

Oh, Facebook how I love you and your many faces.

I will come clean and be the first to admit that I’ve been some of these wacko mommies at one point or another in my Facebook lifetime. Guilty of posting too many pictures of my smiling kids, ranting about the weather or a long line, bombarding my FB friends with how blessed and lucky I am. But I can promise you this, you’ll never find a picture of me in a bikini coming through your daily feed 🙂

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