Don’t Make Me Spray You With Lysol.


Before children I dealt with sickness or being sick once a year. It was a rare occasion for me to have a cold or the flu. Having to deal with snot or puke was not even on my radar. There wasn’t a need for a sick day. I never missed a party or an event because of green snot. Then I had a child.

Not too long ago I read that the average child has 10 colds a year, the average adult has three. Calculating in regards to my family, that means 30 colds amongst the creatures I have birthed and 6 between my husband and I. Further information states that the average cold will last 7 days. That means 252 days out of the 365 of the year someone will be sick in my house, exposing the rest of the clan to their disgusting snot and spraying coughs. Add in the number of times that allergies strike, an out break of pink eye clobbers the preschool classroom or a stomach bug hits the church nursery. At the end of my calculating I come to the end result that the Halperin household will have a sickness almost 365 days a year.  This means that the house doctor, mommy, is on call 24 hours a day. Boogie Wipes on hand. Cold meds stocked. A cabinet brimming with essential oils and herbal vitamins. Hand sanitizer in every pocket, purse and drawer. Pediatrician on speed dial. Allergists card tacked to the fridge. Minute-Clinic contact number memorized.

For someone who doesn’t deal well with snot or vomit, having a sick child (or a large man-child as a husband) is a form of torture for me.  What creates more of an annoyance for me is that my kids always, ALWAYS seem to come down with something when I have plans. Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for my kids when they come down with a bug, but I’d be lying if the first thought that comes into my head is “You’ve got to be kidding me!!! $$#%$%” I should have known this prior to becoming a mommy because the man I ended up marrying, who would later become the daddy of my babies, was sick for EVERY SINGLE New Year’s Eve for the first six that we were together.

The amount of money that is spent on doctor visits, heath store visits and pharmacy purchases is close to insane when you have children. You don’t want them to suffer, live in fear of them getting sicker than what is deemed normal and want them to get well as quickly as possible, so you spend obscene amounts of cash to find a cure. After all the purchases and running around, at the end of the day a little TLC from Dr. Mommy is what naturally does the trick.

As we are in the throes of cold/flu season please accept my apologies in advance for my public behavior. I apologize for jumping in front of and shielding my children from your sneeze like a crazed lunatic. I am sorry for throwing daggers with my eyes at your children that are coughing or wiping their noses on your pants. I am apologetic for my actions that include wiping down every inch of the restaurant table or the extra ten minutes that it takes me to check out at the health food store as I interrogate the cashier on the difference between this brand of Elderberry and this form of Echinacea. I’m just trying to make it through 365 days with a mission to have at least a couple be snot free. So do me a favor and wash your hands … don’t make me do it for you or have to spray you with Lysol in public.

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