I’m thinking of trying out for Hell’s Kitchen or Cutthroat Kitchen. I’m pretty sure I am more than well equipped to deal with Gordon Ramsey or Alton Brown after taking orders from my crew as their personal short order cook here at Halperin Chateau.

I start every preparation for my kiddos’ meals with good and healthy intentions. However ten minutes into service I give in to the chaos of refused carrots, thrown roasted chicken and smashed Weelicious spinach muffins. I dish out the mac and cheese along with the nuked chicken nuggets and a side of Go-Gurt. Bon appetite little spawns! They squeal with delight at the sight of their requested plates, grabbing and stuffing the bits and pieces into their mouths like Biggest Loser contestants at a temptation challenge.

I’ve researched and executed all what the baby books and websites suggest. Make food fun … CHECK. Get kids involved in the kitchen …. CHECK. And my favorite of all, keep serving it and they will eventually eat it. This has proven to not work well in my house. All I see is wasted time and money be thrown into the garbage can plate, after plate, AFTER PLATE. Then as they walk away from the table with tiny tummies still growling with hunger, they run with step stools and toddler chairs to the pantry to steal some loot to fill their bellies. (Yes, we have even bought a lock for that pantry.)

I spend so much time, effort and cash on uneaten meals that I should have just went to culinary school instead … at least the food would have been eaten. I keep hoping that Craigslist will come up with a category for meals and snacks. At least if I sell or give away all my “products” I will feel more accomplished at the end of the day.   I once mentioned this to another mommy … she said she ate the food her kids refused. Ummm, thanks but NO thanks. the last thing I want is chicken that’s been smashed by playground hands or carrots pulverized by a toddler fork or better yet a sweet potato fry that entered their mouth through trickery and came back out onto their plate lubed up with a shot glass of spit. I’ll stick to my own meals and not a buffet of their leftovers no matter how much time and money I envision being wiped and scraped off plates.

I’m seriously thinking of using up all the food in the house and ordering take-out or delivery for every meal come January. At the end of the month I’ll analyze the data to see if it’s worth it when it comes to our bank account and my sanity. Until then I’ve downloaded the application for the next Hell’s Kitchen season.