Target

I used to find trips to Target intoxicating and relaxing. Now I want to hang my head in shame and ask for a shot of vodka in my coffee at the connecting Starbucks. Why? Let me give you a recap of today’s Target trip.

I decided to do some Santa Christmas shopping today while my eldest was in school. I headed over to Target with the twins and prayed for a fast and easy shopping trip. I should have known better.  I believe my children have subconsciously taken the bulls eye logo of Target and put it on my forehead as we enter the shiny sliding doors of what used to be a happy place.

To begin, Target believes that anyone with more than one child should be punished with a cart the size of a small sports car. I started the process of strapping the Halperin Twins into what they must believe to be a red torture chamber on wheels. The straps never fit and within 60 seconds of maneuvering the monstrous contraption past the dollar section, the twins are out of the flimsy harnesses and struggling to jump down. To answer their moans of aggravation I produce two fruit snack packets from my purse. Oh happy Joy! Today seems to be the day that Target has decided to restock their shelves. So there I was with my huge red tank and my wiggling passengers squeezing between aisles, workers and boxes. By the time I was able to work my way through aisle one the fruit snacks were gone. Damn you Target, damn you.

Now with the first snack reserve gone, Twin A now wants to sit in the actual cart versus the torture chamber seat that Target has designated for small beings. I of course give in to avoid a public tantrum. After talking to myself out loud and glancing at my 3 separate lists, I move from the grocery area to the makeup aisles. With just a small drop of my face moisturizer left I need to refill immediately. Target has other plans. The one thing I am buying for myself today is NO LONGER carried by what used to be my shiny red Emerald City. Every other type of Olay is in stock but not my cherished Age Defying Hydration Moisturizer. WTF???!!

 Now we speed down the main aisle from the makeup section to the toy section to score some Christmas gifts on sale. By the time we reach our destination Travis has decided to jump ship all together and now wants to walk (also known as run from me into the other direction) rather than cruise quietly. I am at least blessed with my quiet little girl, Twin B, as she busies herself with the buckles of the empty harness that once held her brother. Oh Hailey, you’ll be surrounded by attention thirsty boys your whole life. I make note of promising out loud to her that daddy and I will buy her a pony one day for being so good. I then hear the words I knew that would be coming at some point, “Hello there, where is your mommy?” I follow the sound because I know those words are being said to my son who took off in the opposite direction. As I turn the corner there is Travis looking up at a sweet lady who looks at me like I’m a moron. “Is he yours?” she asks. I want to respond with something like duh, why else would I be running around with groceries after this miniature mini me? Instead I just smile and reply “Yes” as I swoop Twin A up in one arm while pushing Twin B in the red monster. As usual I am greeted with the phrase I hear every day when venturing out into public with my crew, “Boy do you have your hands full.”

As if to prove her right all hell breaks loose. Travis is now mad that he was caught and is kicking to free himself from my grasp. Hailey is now fed up with the attention her brother is receiving and starts groaning and moaning to get her mommy’s attention. So I wrestle Travis into the basket of the cart holding our groceries and throw a blinking toy from the shelf into Hailey’s hand and run through the aisles grabbing a Dusty ride-on, a pair of Sophia shoes and an Elsa figurine. Now rushing to the checkout lanes I grab a ziplock baggie holding a Pillsbury biscuit from my purse and Travis grabs at it with delight. I figure I have about five minutes before it’s gone.

As I near the check out lanes I reach for my lists and coupons which I realize are GONE. AHHHHHH!!! I must have put them somewhere during the chaos of the toy section. I jolt back to the toy area that now seems to have a dark black cloud hanging over it. I see my list and coupons laying on the ground in front of a life size Elsa doll as she smiles me with a mocking grin. Shut it Elsa. Now with lists and coupons in hand I speed back to the check out lanes. Just as I pull into lane 5 Travis decides he doesn’t want the goodness the Pillsbury dough boy has dished out and throws the biscuit out of the cart and proceeds to attempt to climb out. In one sweeping motion I pull him out setting him down at my feet while pulling a gallon of milk out and onto the lane’s conveyor belt.

Making small talk with the friendly cashier with both twins staring at him, I am able to make to the final payment part. He scans my coupons as I realize that even with 3 lists I’ve forgotten crescent rolls and DIAPERS. How could I have forgotten diapers??? You have got to be kidding me. But there’s no way I’m turning back now. He scans my Cartwheel bar code. Nothing. Scans again, nothing. Scans again, nothing. So he has me read the bar code number to him as he types it in. So here I am calling of numbers when I hear “Miss, your son is about to put his fingers in that wall socket.” NO JOKE, I look up and there’s Travis. I’m able to grab Thomas Edison Junior while finishing calling off the numbers. The code goes through, I swipe my Red Card and bid the cashier farewell.

Now feeling the sweat on the back of my neck from my Target extravaganza I grab Travis by the hand and push the mobile torture chamber towards freedom through the shiny sliding doors. As they slide open … IT’S RAINING, HAPPY @#$%$#@ WEDNESDAY!

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