I find myself thinking back to Bax’s first two years more and more, in regards to how much I enjoyed myself and all that we learned and did together. Now as the twins reach two years old in December trying to do a replica of the experiences I had with my first born seem to be a far fetched dream than an achievable reality. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are these supermoms of twins out there that can handle their toddler twins and four year old like Tim Gunn handles weirdo designers with low self esteem, but I’m not that supermom. I’m that mom who is stuffing peanut butter snack crackers in their kids mouth as I look for the nearest coffee shop.

Let’s take a time travel trip to the fall of 2010. Apple fests, pumpkin patches, hayrides, petting zoos? If it was in 10 minutes of our house we were there with little Braxton taking a gazillion pictures and holding hands. Like the front of a Hallmark card. Fast forward to fall 2014. One twin is shoving dirt into a goats mouth rather than petting zoo feed, the other is running down a hill screaming at camels as she tries to make a run for it through an opening in the fence. Who’s four year old is that with his shirt on backwards and shouting about the huge slide ride? Oh that’s mine too. All three off spring running in different directions, interested in different things, because after all they are very, very different individuals from one another.

I want to punch a pumpkin. But then I’m brought back to reality, I love my kids and I love their dirty faces and germy hands. I love watching my baby girl swell over her first pony ride. I love watching her twin brother stick his chubby hands in the mouth of a goat as he squeals with delight. I love watching my four year old slide down a slide that I am way too chicken to do on my own. All their craziness will soon be tamed and they will be teenagers who won’t even want to hang out at “Sonny Acres” on a Saturday morning. So I wipe the PB off my hands and take a deep breath, buy a white pumpkin as my twins shout “BALL” and throw their small gourd pumpkin across the “country barn store.” We hurry out to make it to Brax’s soccer game in time.

Its hard not to lose yourself as a mom, especially a twin mom. It’s a constant struggle. I also don’t want to lose my children’s childhood moments either. Such struggles. I am blessed with such turmoil, I’m lucky enough  to be a mommy. I just gotta pull up my big girl pants and realize each day is zooming by and one day I will get to be selfish again but right now I need to be selfless for my kids because they are my heart no matter the struggle I feel within.

One thought on “Struggle

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