Can I borrow a quarter?

washington-quarters-obverse

I was just commenting to my friends that my twins had never slept a night in our bed since they were teeny-tiny babies. Be careful what you put out into the universe …

The screaming traveled up the stairs and into the kitchen. My youngest son was crying shortly after I had put him down for a visit with Mr. Sandman. As I trudged down the stairs I assumed he had forgotten his favorite stuffed dog or would complain about it being too dark or one of the countless excuses a three-year-old can come up with when avoiding going to bed.

As I opened the door to his room, my littlest man was on his knees perched at the end of his bed crying real tears as he held his throat with both hands.  “I swallowed a quarter!” Most parents would assume that their child was lying because why would there be a quarter around when hitting the sack for bed?? Well let me tell you why. For Travis he has what I call a “bed shrine”. The shrine is made up of little figurines ranging from Lego men to Pokemon to shiny coins to pencils. The shrine sits around the bed board portion of his bed where he can fall asleep as he fiddles and adjusts their placement. Travis has never been a child who put anything in his mouth. He never had a pacifier. Never had a bottle. Never a thumb sucker or a small baby that put small objects in his mouth. But here he was at 3 1/2 swallowing quarters, at 7:30 at night, during bed time, on a Sunday night. Super.

Can I borrow a quarter?

Up the stairs we went. Tears rolling down his red cheeks as he held his neck and I held his hand. I called to my husband and he called poison control. Poison control informed us that this sort of thing was not their area of expertise. Call the pediatrician was their answer. It being a Sunday evening my husband got the emergency voicemail message and left his own message. Within moments his cell was ringing with the on call NP.  After explaining the events of the Halperin Household that evening,  the nurse said we would need to follow protocol for ingestion of a foreign object — to wait 8 to 12 hours before making it into radiology for an x-ray. We’d also have to keep him up for another hour or so. Then he would need to sleep with us in order to keep watch on his breathing. (This would be where I ended up eating my words about our twins never sleeping with us from just a couple of days prior). For our coin eating kiddo this was a win! Not only did he get to stay up and watch football with dad but he also got to sleep in mommy and daddy’s big bed. His eyes practically sparkled with joy as we explained the events that would be taking place that night.

Can I borrow a quarter?

Hello radiology. Twelve hours later my little boy was having a medical bracelet wrapped around his small wrist as a badge of honor for his crime. The nurse asked him what he ate … he replied “breakfast” which in theory was absolutely correct since only an hour before he had been eating a bowl of cereal but I’m pretty sure she was expecting him to answer “a quarter lady”.

Can I borrow a quarter?

After one waiting room and one x-ray later, the foreign object was successfully found in the upper right portion of his intestine. Good news is that’s what we basically wanted, in the digestive track, rather than caught somewhere that would obstruct his breathing. The bad news? Well we would have to wait on a call from our pediatrician for that part.

Can I borrow a quarter?

Finally, just before dinner. The nurse called, repeating the same question that I had heard a number of times in the last 22 hours … “A quarter??” YES, A QUARTER.  The prognosis? Long story short … Wait it out and sift through batches of his poop. Wonderful.

Can I borrow a quarter?

Though our youngest male offspring may be lanky, his poops are not. Bowel movements from him equal clogged toilets and at least 10 minutes on the porcelain thrown. This means that searching for the treasured quarter would be like searching for a needle in a haystack (except in water and exceptionally disgusting).

Can I borrow a quarter?

What exactly do you use when sifting through tons of poop in a watery hole? You know those paint stir sticks that every hardware store in America gives out for free when purchasing paint?? Yep, that’s the money maker. As a parent, I now advise having at least ten on hand, for crafting and of course poop scooping. Three poops later we are still on the search.

Can I borrow a quarter?

If you should need a quarter, my son is your man … you may just need a paint stick and some patience before he hands over the loan.

 

I’m Not Your Babysitter

All three of my kids participate in a soccer program. I chose the program based on the fact that all three, though divided into separate age groups, would be playing at the same time frame. This not only provided less chauffering and scheduling but also meant an hour of breathing time for me. It meant an afternoon time slot where coaches would be in charge of my children rather than me.

This is why I became so annoyed with another mother. She was messing up my “alone time”. She was inadvertently invading my space. How so? Through her C-H-I-L-D.

As I sat enjoying the fall weather that finally enveloped the Midwestern states, I sat back with a book in hand with one eye on the pages and my other “mom eye” on my kids as they trotted across the soccer fields. Finally … the kids were bought into the play and were leaving me alone (with the added benefit of exercise and team camaraderie). Suddenly a shadow appeared over my book. My space was being shared with another small body, one that did not come out of my body.

A little boy around the age of two was mumbling on about the tree that I had set up my mom camp next to. At first I said hello and was nice as pie to the little guy. But then after about 3 LONG minutes it was apparent that he was not leaving the space that I had designated as my territory.  What made matters worse is that this little boy had snot cascading out of his nose and past his top lip. It wasn’t the clear kind that is caused by running in cold weather, rather it was the thick slimy green kind that can only mean an infection. Along with his constant chatter was the on going smack against the tree that he continued to conduct like a Mozart of the forest. He had acquired two fallen sticks in both hands and was slapping the side of the tree with both again, again and AGAIN.

After another three long minutes of annoyance I stated to the little person that he should probably go find his mommy. After looking at me with green boogers slipping into his mouth, he gave one last slap to the tree and galloped over to his mother that was standing with three others as they babbled on about  _______ (please enter whatever boring subject you’d like). He pulled and pulled AND pulled on her jacket when she finally took notice of him. I’m not sure exactly what he said but she looked my way and gave a wave and a smile. “At last” I thought, “Peace and quiet — take care of your own kid.”

I settled back into my spot and within in moments that snot monster was back, mumbling louder and hitting harder. I looked past him at his mother who just gave the same wave and nod. “Um, WTF??? Are you serious? Lady, I am not your babysitter.” I wanted to take her waving hand and wipe it across her face to erase that clueless smile off her suburban face.

Rather than demonstrating an act of violence in the suburbs of the Midwest against an obviously clueless mother, I picked myself up from my cozy spot. I then used the opportunity to get closer to the sidelines of each of my children’s practices. Ping-ponging between the Terrific – 3’s and the First grade scrimmagers.

Now when I reflect back on the annoyance and the mindless mother …. maybe I was the one who was clueless. Maybe the stick swinging, germ carrying little dude was actually sent as a wake-up call from a greater power to have THIS mother focus more on her kids rather than the book in her hand. Maybe my little people needed to see me fully in IT, completely in the moment cheering them on and giving a thumbs up when their tiny little feet managed to kick a ball bigger than their heads into the goal. Maybe the banging of the stick was a banging on my head to get my ass up and walk over to see my growing first grader in a competitive foot-fight as he ran full speed as a 6 year old … because one day he’ll be 7 then 8 then 9 then 12 then 16 then 21 then married ….

Well played universe, well played. I hate snot, I hate germs, I hate loud smacking noises over and over …. what better way to get me fully in the game, the game of LIFE that is.

Slim*FAST

slim-fast-2

A can of Slim-Fast. The image is like a cow brand on my brand and memory. From my earliest memories I can vividly see the logo, smell the contents and feel the smooth label. No, I wasn’t drinking it but I was observing the one I admired most consuming the product of promises.

My grandma LOVED Slim-Fast. Cans of powder filled the pantry. Cold chilled cans sparkled as they lined the refrigerator door like tiny weight-loss soldiers. Bars wrapped in crinkly bold colored wrappers stuck in purse and coat pockets. Trendy, that was my grandma! She knew all the latest fashions, makeup and diet crazes. I truly believe that if blogs were a thing back in the day that she’d be storming the internet and blowing up Facebook and Instagram. When she jumped on the Slim-Fast train, it wasn’t a surprise. I wanted to be just like her ( I now see my own daughter with that same glimmer in her eye for my mom). I stole those sips of Slim-Fast like a 12 year-old boy flipping the pages of a Playboy. How good it tasted. That admiration, candy like taste along with fun-promising advertisements I was HOOKED.

As soon as I was old enough, I fell in “adult love” with Slim-Fast too. Loving it so much that during my senior year of high school it became my food of choice. The thick vanilla shake replaced my breakfast and lunch. The crunchy nougat bar goodness became the go to snack. How clever! How brilliant! I could eat shakes and candy bars that promised to make me look like a model, thin with big boobs a tight butt and bouncy hair. Bring the fake chocolate and vanilla goodness on!  Why waste my time eating real food and possibly looking like a troll? At 17, it didn’t matter the grades and the accomplishments that I achieved. What did matter is that I got noticed for my appearance. >>> If only I could go back in my time machine and yank that can out of my hand while slapping some sense into my brainwashed teen mind.

My friend, Slim-Fast followed me to college. What a loyal companion. Always there when I needed her, full of only good fortunes and promises of delight. Sometimes we would fight, sometimes we would break up, but every winter, spring and summer break I ran back with open arms. Completely enthralled with the idea that Slim-Fast would make me perfect. Slim-Fast would make all my dreams come true. Slim-Fast did make me lose weight, but it was also tearing my insides a part with it’s list of foreign ingredients, not to mention causing a perfect canvas for the start of a really bad relationship with food.

During my love affair with Slim-Fast I cheated, falling into lust with calorie counting. I found it thrilling to track and control those little numbers that filled the pages of notebook after notebook. I felt on top of the world when I was able to consume less calories than the day before. I got a high when I was able to see that number dip lower and lower. But with my new found lover, my infatuation with Slim-Fast was ended. My long time companion was standing in my way. My old flame had the same amount of calories each time I picked up that can. Slim-Fast was failing me. Slim-Fast had to get out, we had to break-up. Why even drink a form of liquid calories when there were so many other things that had little to no calories???  Why not just drink coffee or suck on Life-Savers or Gobstoppers at 5 calories a pop?  Why eat at all?

And so it began, a windy twisty road of self destruction and negative self-talk. All started from a brightly colored red and white can full of broken promises marketed in the perfect way.

I hate you Slim-Fast. Thanks for nothin’.

Strip Club Manager.

shocked-woman

Add Strip Club Manager to my resume.

That’s right. I’ve been spending my days basically working in a topless bar of miniature people.

I thought I had heard it all and seen it all as our days of butts finally began to dwindle to an end. Little did I know what was lurking around the corner. Little fleshy buttons were around the bend. That’s right, nipples.

My kids are obsessed with nipples.

My household has turned into one big topless franchise. It started with my eldest and the phenomena quickly attached to my younger son.  Wearing shirts was decided as being overrated according to my three children. My six-year-old went thirty-six hours wearing no shirt.  The streak was only broken in order to put on a shirt for school which was quickly stripped off the second he entered the house.  Not being sexist, my daughter caught on to the trend. Now you will not only see two little boys running laps around our yard with their skinny lanky bodies in the sun but you will also find my petite munchkin of a daughter peddling along on her pink tricycle … topless.

This whole no shirt thing  was a battle I decided to not pick.  After all,  it would be the only time in their lives that this nude behavior would be accepted. Have at it little Halperins.  As always my children proved my parenting choices wrong. Though seemingly innocent the whole situation unfortunately took an expected turn … for the worst and the weird.

As I prepared another gourmet home cooked meal (or whatever fit into a crock pot that day) my three growing bundles of joy ran through the house topless. Shrieking in chaotic joy as they chased after one another giggling.  I heard my youngest son yell “Kiss my nipples!” as he cupped his hands over his chest running from his brother and sister. I stopped mid-cooking-utensil in hand not sure if I had heard him right. I was reassured that my ears hadn’t fooled me when he proceeded to yell again “Kiss my nipples!!!” as he ran past me with my other two on his tail. I spun around and entered the living room behind them as I barked “What are you saying???”  and without hesitation he responded “We are playing kiss my nipples.”  I calmly asked where he had heard about this game and he said his brother. I turned my attention to my eldest asking where in the world had he learned this from and he said … his brain. Not having a chance to think this whole thing through I quickly broke into explanation as to why this was not a game that should be played. Like an out-of-body experience I heard myself say “Listen, only married people kiss one another’s nipples. Nipples are private parts that no one should be touching or kissing unless you are married like Mommy and Daddy.  Nipples are special parts of our bodies that should only be touched when we are washing in the shower.”  As I heard myself say the words I knew it was a possibility that I could be opening a door to a whole other conversation or possibly an interesting story being told to teachers at school.  My fears dissipated as they shook their heads yes and replied in unison, “Okay Mom” with no further questions asked. (Nor have I had any interesting calls from teachers … yet).

Though the nipple games have stopped and my daughter is choosing to wear a shirt more I was reassured that the strip club status of our home is still in full swing this morning.  My youngest son walked into the kitchen, topless, with a pair of sunglasses around his tiny narrow chest exclaiming “Look mom! I’m covering my nipples like you said!”  and quickly ran out the door to join his topless brother and sister in the yard.

I can only imagine what’s next.

 

 

 

Suburban Findings: 6 Who Are You Steps.

six

The follow up to  Who Arrrreee Y-O-U?? 6 Steps to Finding Out

The suburban scientific findings to what happens when the six “who are you” steps are applied to the common crazy lady.

First a brief step recap:

#1.  ASK.

#2.  TAKE A TIME MACHINE.

#3.  F-U-N.

#4.  TEST THE WATERS.

#5.  INTRODUCE YOURSELF.

#6. ACT HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL and ACT HOW YOU FEEL. 

Second, the outcomes:

#1. I asked those closest to me for a one word description of who I was:

My eldest son: sweet. My youngest son: strong with muscles. My daughter: good coloring. My two closest friends: Real and tenacious. My mom: Inspiring. My little sister:  My husband: Stunning.

I took those descriptive words in, let them settle into the crevices of my brain folds and then reflected. When it came down to the nitty-gritty it turned out that everything I wanted to be, I actually was in the eyes of those that really mattered. I wanted to be a mom that was tender and sweet. I wanted to lead a life that was real and tenaciously productive. I wanted to inspire others with my writing, thoughts and actions.  I wanted to be physically and mentally fit. By asking those that were closest to me with the clearest insight of my true self their answers gave me a reality check that I had been wasting so much time beating myself up for the personality traits I thought I lacked and the personal goals I considered too far to reach. In reality I carry all the traits that I have admired in others and my goals are actually accomplishments. Why was it so hard for me to see that? 

#2. I certainly feel my best when engaging in tasks that I enjoy, but also grow from. When I am accomplishing goals I feel on top of the world, because I am being productive in what I set out to do and recognizing it all at the same time. I think my confidence and knowledge of who I was took the biggest hit when I found out that as a woman I couldn’t just get pregnant “on my own”. This huge part of my identity sort of just was there one day and not there the next. I felt as if I was a failure. I failed myself and I failed my husband. In my eyes I was a broken woman, unable to have babies.  My body had betrayed me. Suddenly my plan was no longer in my control. Suddenly, I was battling with a problem that I had no knowledge of. It wasn’t fair.  Enter >>> Uncertainty of everything and self. Though six years and three babies later,  it’s unfortunate that I realize my confidence has yet to move on from that place of uncertainty. At least I know where the start took place.

#3. F-U-N. I thought about myself in college … I had a lot of fun then, but the majority of what was fun then was reckless fun. Did I want to be reckless again? NO. Was drinking large amounts of booze still fun to me? NO. So I went another decade back to when I was a child. My findings proved better during that era. My interests were still very much introvert-ish, writing, reading, exploring nature whether it be a field, beach or forest. I loved being near family with a small tight group of friends. I relished in experiencing really good comfort food after getting my hands in the baking or cooking process of it all. The bright lights and busyness of the city caught my attention and made my imagination dance. I was obsessed with laughter. Had an interest in crime and anything media related to it (think Law & Order or Forensic Files).

So I started writing again like a mad woman. Jotting notes, writing articles, leaving unfinished ideas on my computer screen, in the margins of magazines and in the pages of 3 different notebooks.  Reading books two at a time, mostly non-fiction one on Paleo, one on meditation one on happiness. I took to yoga in classes and on my mat at home. I planted some plants and puddled around in the yard with the kids. We are booking a trip to Chicago as a couple to experience the bright lights, the hustle and the bustle as adults. I’m doing a whole lot better at declining invites to things that make me shudder and altogether avoiding situations that may lead to me having to engage in some social activity that wouldn’t be my idea of F-U-N.Focusing on the friendships that scream closeness rather than those relationships that scream surface.

#4. This was sort of a cheat when it came to me. I basically had all the same interests that I did as a child but wasn’t necessarily making them a priority, nor was I shouting from the roof tops about them.  How could I when Facebook and every f**king magazine I picked up was telling me I should be interested in wine bars, the Kardashians, wearing yoga pants just because and hitting the Starbucks drive-thru before I wasted my time trolling the pages of Facebook – GAG.

What it came down to, again, was an issue of self confidence, I needed the confidence to actually be okay with claiming my activities and interests. Going against the norm, had always been my forte so why should I be surprised that my norm was not so norm??? So I started making it the norm, seeking out those who shared my interests or who didn’t care if I loved coffee or wine, as long as I was not a serial killer.

#5.  I feel sort of funny about this one so I’ve decided to designate this intro task to a friend or my husband. Next time I’m out I’ll have my designated person introduce me in this way, I am a mom but NOT just a mom.

#6. One thing I did notice while in my time machine as I visited my college self was that I acted how I felt and felt how I acted. I would probably be described as free-spirit or bad-ass bitch as a 21 yea-old. Now, at this phase of my life,  doing so isn’t celebrated so much, I’m sure if I told a mom that i didn’t like her and I didn’t like her kid’s attitude, I wouldn’t be so cool. I’m pretty sure if I wore what I wanted no matter the venue or the event I may be kicked out. I’m positive the CPS may look into the upbringing of my children if I felt like “calling off” for the day, sleeping in, laying on the couch while I binge watched Project Runway or Law & Order ignoring all other breathing beings.

But I could Looking further into the details of #6 … ACT HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL. I wanted to feel fun, I wanted to feel genuine, I wanted to feel energetic I wanted to feel at peace. I started planning fun events with my loved ones and friends. I focused on reaching out whether in small or big ways to those that meant the most to me to be my most genuine self.  I started partaking in activities that gave me energy but also provided peace. I started taking care of ME (mind, body and spirit) which in turn made me feel how I wanted to.  The reflection is still in process, as long as I remind myself that rather than wishing I felt one way, why not act how I wanted to feel?

Now it’s your turn, who are you? Apply the 6 steps or even just one to find out. 

Who Arrrreee Y-O-U?? 6 Steps to Finding Out.

Who are you

You ask a girl in college who she is and she’ll be able to tell you. She’ll also be able to tell you who she’ll be in the future. Odds are if you find that same girl ten plus years later, she won’t be able to tell you who the hell she is or what the future holds for her. Take me for example. Jumping in my time machine and watching my 21 year-old self, I knew everything and had the confidence times ten of my present day self. I had a plan. I believed there were no life obstacles. I literally had the world serving me what I wanted on a silver platter for the taking.

Now, I’m not so sure . I’m well aware of who I used to be and pretty sure of who I want to grow up to be, but I’ll be the first to admit that I have no idea who I am supposed to be this exact moment.  I’m not alone in my feelings, it turns out the majority of women, especially moms, are in the same exact boat.

It’s all too confusing. Who arrrreee you??  As a mom I’m supposed to act one way. As a woman in her thirties I’m supposed to be interested in certain things. As a wife and stay at home mom I’m supposed to feel a certain way. But what happens when NONE of these guidelines within the handbook of woman, mom and wife doesn’t match the way I feel, act or take an interest in … am I an outcast? Am I “wrong” or possibly not fulfilling my full potential?

#1.  ASK. Ask yourself, ask your husband, ask your fiends, ask your relatives, ask your children. What stands out to them? What is one word that they would use to describe you?

#2.  TAKE A TIME MACHINE.  When did you feel at your best? Why? What was it that gave you that reassurance and confidence? To balance your knowledge, when did you feel your worst? What or who makes you feel less?

#3.  F-U-N. While in your time machine be sure to visit your carefree FUN self. What were you doing? Where were you? What were your hobbies that made you feel alive where clocks didn’t matter and consumed you?

#4.  TEST THE WATERS. Is it the same? Do you still enjoy the activities you found on your time travel? Or have your tastes changed? (I used to like shots of Tequila topped off with Tabasco, I’m pretty sure I don’t like those anymore.)

#5.  INTRODUCE YOURSELF. Studies have found that the majority of the population identify themselves with their title within employment. However when I say I’m a stay at home mom, there are many that are not parents that don’t understand what that career even is so … What do you do?  I learned from a fellow mom to follow up the SAHM thing with your hobbies or interests. For example I would say, “I write a blog and study yoga.” (Or A.K.A I share my feelings through written word for FREE and do weird movements while breathing rhythmically). You are a mom but NOT just a mom >> Spark that conversation.

#6. ACT HOW YOU WANT TO FEEL and ACT HOW YOU FEEL. Pretty simple steps >>> right?

How do these 6 steps work? Well, I am your guinea pig. I tested these 6 on myself and will post the suburban scientific findings in the next post of The Funny In Mommy!

 

Hot Mess.

hotmess

I wonder if when people see me they think “Uh-oh here comes that Hot Mess.” Seriously. I totally have issues getting out the door and even more so when I am out the door. I envy those women that are so incredibly put together. I think “Self –  what the fuck are you doing that you cannot get it together?”  I wonder if there is some “mighty momma” meeting I missed out on or a guidebook that they never handed out when I left the hospital with my first born?

I once had a mom tell me her 3 year old was reading at a 5 year old level while at the same exact moment one of my three year-olds licked left over peanut butter off the table >> I avoided eye contact with her after she made eye contact with him.

Hot Mess.

The other day my three year old daughter and I had a come to Jesus in the bathroom stall of the library during an argument about why she her tummy hurt and that she couldn’t hold her poop in that I’m pretty sure the entire lower level overheard and witnessed.

Hot Mess.

The Monday, during my yoga class God conveniently placed me next to a twenty something blonde in matching athletic garb from head to toe as I wore a “Bieber Fever ” tee with my unwashed hair slicked to my head from leftover dry shampoo and the bottoms of my feet slightly gray from the lack of shoes I wore outside that morning as I yelled at my kids to stop throwing tennis balls against the side of the house.

Hot Mess.

Our eldest dog, though he is neutered, humps every visitor we have, from our babysitter to our Pastor to our cleaning people. A 7 lb little humping white fur ball, yep, he belongs to us. Our other dog can smell the carcass of a dead animal from 3 miles away and brings it back across the neighborhood to our front yard EACH and EVERY time with a limb of some sort hanging out of his mouth as cars drive by staring in wonder.

Hot Mess.

During the warm weather last week my savage children played outside as I made dinner. As I peeked through the window to check on them, my kids had decided to create a small mudd pool next to our driveway and now had our 80 year-old neighbor in a conversation about the pool as they smeared dark brown sludge across their faces while asking her if she would like some as they held up sticks with the goop hanging in gobs off the ends.

Hot Mess.

My daughter wears only pink and refuses to wear her hair up no matter the bed head catastrophe it is. My youngest son wears only the same two outfits day after day. My eldest thinks most adults are below his intelligence and speaks to them as if he were Einstein.

Hot Mess.

Today at preschool drop-off most moms looked as if they rolled out of a j. crew ad while I looked like I rolled out of a TMZ ad while my children portrayed all traits that Dr.Oz warns against.

Hot Mess. And this is only a fraction of a recap of this week … of the PG rated stuff.

I try to analyze at what point did I make the switch from sane to lunatic mom/wife. I often find myself rambling to other customers in line about TMI subjects or running through a parking lot after my children as I scream “PUT YOUR HAND ON THE VAN! YOU’RE GOING TO GET HIT BY A CAR!!” or looking around the gym at all the cute yoga pants and sporty tanks while catching my own reflection in the mirror of possibly a homeless person that they let into the gym for a free membership day. Sane or lunatic? Hot mess or lucky lady?

I woke up and there was a rainbow sticker on the toilet seat this morning. Oh the irony. I’m not sure what God wanted me to know as I put my ass on a rainbow. Was it a metaphor to let me know that my ass was on a rainbow with the life I am leading? Perhaps. When I bare it all, removing all the razzle dazzle, To Do lists and extra stuff (just like the naked cheeks of a butt) I am very lucky (hence the rainbow) with all that I have.